I found a $70 wool coat at Old Navy on clearance for $10!!! From a distance it looked pretty cool and, hey, how can you beat $10? Still I wondered why there were so many left. I tried it on.
It had these shoulder strappy things on it. I felt like I should be a guard at a border checkpoint. “Pleez to let me see all ov your paypers, Comrade.” Maybe they were there to hold my beret? Or maybe to airlift me out of some natural disaster? I don’t know. It was pretty gay though. Still… $10…
One pair of scissors later… No more gay army coat.
From the looks I got from the store clerks, I probably should have waited until until I bought it before cutting them off, though. Oh well. $10!!! 
I’ll scratch your eyes out!!!
“I’m afraid I’ll have to confiscate those FABULOUS shoes!”