Scott Cramer wrote this.

I was brushing my six-year-old daughter’s hair after her shower and she asks me out of the blue, “Why do you have fur?” I told her that boys just grow more hair than girls. She pets the hair on my arm and says to me, “Dad, when you get older you’re going to turn into a monkey.”

I program thousands of lines of code, implement dynamic database driven websites, and create marketing campaigns, but you know what I get noticed for? I took a cardboard box, a knife, and some scotch tape and made a deflector for a window air conditioning unit to divert some cold air to one of the sales rep’s desks in the corner of the room. One of my partners walks into the office area and immediately says, “Wow! Who made the cardboard deflector? That’s cool!”

Obviously, I’ve missed my calling.

What guys think.

What women want?

Bath and Body Works.

Approximately 5,965 scents for women.

3 for men.

For Father’s Day.

On Sale.

And they smelled like bad deodorant.

My girlfriend read my post on fashion the other day and found this book for me at a garage sale.

Ha ha. I opened it up and the first picture looked strangely like the coat I bought this winter.

Plus, looking at it further, the book did have some pretty good tips…

Tip #1: Don’t wrap your scarf too tight or your head will pop off.

Tip #2: Don’t forget to buy a belt.

Tip #3: Don’t starch your t-shirts.

Tip #4: Don’t make your girlfriend wait to go to bed while you post on your blog. 😉

My girlfriend keeps asking me questions like, “Is this what you mean by a shirt with more cleavage?” and “Do you think this shirt is too dressy to go garage sale’ing?”

C’mon! What do guys really know about fashion? I mean the ones who aren’t gay. Guys like cleavage. If we give you our real opinion and then your girlfriends ask why you are dressed all slutty, we’re going to get in trouble. So, we try and look at it from your point of view. Umm… We can’t. Be honest, you say. Umm… We can’t. Well, yes, we can – we like the lower cut shirts. “But honey I think my tits are showing!” You asked, we answered. What do we know or care about society and fashion? I don’t even wash my jeans for a week or more’s worth of wearings. You know this and *still* ask *me* fashion questions? Alrighty then!

As an aside, it’s obvious a woman invented the nun’s habit. Hello! I don’t care how pious the guy is, or how unattainable the woman. Yeah. Maybe in the sixteenth century or whenever nuns came about all the women were really scabby with black plague or something. That’s the only honest-to-goodness reason I can think a guy would have been involved. Guys know it. Women really know it. I’m just saying it.

So far as being too dressy for garage sales? Wow. This one made me start thinking – and I mean really thinking, not just cartoon pictures with big boobs and impure thoughts about my girlfriend. I’m like, if she’s asking me a question like this, is there something there I should actually be questioning? Is there something I’m missing? You know, like when you were in third grade and your mom sent you to school in K-Mart sale clothes and you looked like a little gay cowboy. That kind of thing where you just didn’t know any better than to even question it. Well, maybe that’s just my example, buy I hope you get the point. Why would she ask a question like that? It was a black, all covering (darn it!) concert t-shirt with “The Beatles” on it in sparkly fake sparkly stuff – but in a pretty way, not cheap. What are people at garage sales expecting? I’d think fat women in curlers wearing dressing gowns that look like Motel 6 drapes and smelling of stale cigarette smoke. Once again, could be me. I havn’t been to a lot of 90210 association garage sales obviously. Anyway, I told her I’d wear that shirt to a fancy restaurant. I think sometimes she finds me sarcastic when I’m being honest – and now I worry clueless. Perhaps I shouldn’t show my face – and fashion – to the outside world. I’m suddenly worried about looking over *my* shoulder for the “What Not to Wear” hidden camera crew.

But I’m a guy and I’m going to risk it. And, I’m going downstairs right now to tell my girlfriend that “The Beatles” shirt is absolutely perfect for whatever we decide to do today – and the only way it could be better was if it showed a little more skin. 😉

addendum – Before I finished writing this post, my girlfriend came back upstairs and changed. White shirt with a zip-up white jacket securing in “the girls”. Hmm, but it *does* have a zipper… he says staring……..

Have you ever been pulling out an eyelash with tweezers and thought what if someone opened the bathroom door and slammed me in the back jamming the tweezers right into my eyeball? *shiver* I hate that feeling.

Best Buy created what they call the Geek Squad for all your computer needs.

F’ing Poser

Geek-chic highwaters and a 1980’s IBM suit and tie look with sunglasses to hide the total clueless look when you ask him anything technical.

Real Life

Business owner, programmer, marketer, and – when needed – real tech geek. I save my suit and tie for really dirty jobs. Like prostituting myself to a soulless corporation.

Oh yeah, wait… I don’t own a suit and tie anymore. ‘Nuff said.

No joke! These are actual pinatas at Wal-Mart. I think they’re from the Stephen King collection.

ZOMBIE SHREK

PET CEMETARY CAT IN THE HAT

Although, to give the pinata-maker credit, I’d beat the hell out of these things with a stick! Of course, it would be out of sheer terror.

I don’t have the picture that actually goes with this story, so I’ll use this one taken a few minutes before.

I’m walking with my girlfriend around the pond in the center of her neighborhood. First, we come across the two big dogs in the picture above. They’re just staring as we go by on our first lap of the pond. Not a whimper, nothing. Second lap around I walk up to them and they are as friendly as can be. Cool! So I take their picture.

This lap, we get a few houses further down and there is another dog out on a tie-down in a backyard – looks exactly like one of the friendly dogs. I stop to look and the dog faces me, puts his head down, and freezes looking directly at me. I holler up at the owner at the back of the house, “Is he friendly?”

Nothing.

I repeat, “Is he friendly?”

She answers, “He can be.”

By this time the dog is all “Cujo” scary and straining against his tye-down. “He can be?” Uh-huh, thanks for the straight answer lady. Quickly left. No picture.

If only spam filters worked in the kitchen…

I’m sure this stuff would taste lovely right after the apocalypse, but until then, I think it best to just keep it in the bomb shelters.

A couple days ago I was driving to the office. It was about lunch time and I called ahead to see if anyone wanted me to pick up lunch for them. One of our salespeople, Sue, answered the phone and put me on hold while she checked with everyone. It was a nice afternoon and I turned up the radio while I was on hold. Guilty pleasure song from the 80’s “Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club with flaming lead singer Boy George was playing. I’m a closet car singer so I just started belting it right out.

“Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon! You come and go… You come and go-ooo-oooo-ooooo!”

No stop signs. Nobody looking. No problem.

“Loving would be easy if your colors were like my dream! Red, gold, and greeeeen!”

Then, right before the repeat, I realized something. I was STILL ON THE CELLPHONE! My voice fell somewhere to my knees while my hand shot out to turn down the radio volume.

And this is where I realized the universe isn’t always out to get me.

There was still hold music on the cellphone!

Unclench.

Breath.

Hang up (she’d call me back).

And… Continue singing!

“I’m a man without conviction… I’m a man who doesn’t knooooow… How to selllll a contradiction…”

“You come and gooooo…”

“You come and go-ooo!”

Oh yeah! 😉

I was at Wal-Mart today and found a table of shirts with the following sticker on them.

I bought 3 of them!

My girlfriend told me it has something to do with the washer and dryer, though. Sigh.

I was practicing colors with my daughter and we were working on gray. Looking for examples in her room I picked up a pair of gray sweat pants. We had a puzzle in front of us and I turned over one of the pieces to reveal a gray backing. There was also a gray stuffed elephant sitting on her bookshelf.

When we couldn’t find any more gray in her room, I pointed to my head and said, “Daddy’s got some gray right here.”

To which my daughter replied, “You’ve got a LOT of gray there!”

She learned gray. I learned, stop after three examples.

I took my daughter to the zoo this week. Before we left, we stopped by the gift shop to pick up a souvenir. I let my daughter give the woman at the cash register the money and after we were finished my daughter said to her, “Have a nice day!” It was very cute.

As we walked toward the door to leave, my daughter turned back to the woman and said, “You forgot to say that.”

I turned to the cashier while I was laughing and said, “You just got busted for customer service. By a 5-year-old!”

My daughter totally rocks! 😉