Author Archives: Scott

“I’m so embarrassed. I told everyone that Soylent Green is people, but if you read the label closely, it says it’s actually made from “artificial people flavoring.” – Bob Van Voris In the end, what’s wrong with it? I’m sure … Continue reading →

Garlic and hot pepper mashed potatoes are really good for about the first 15 minutes. After about 5 hours they start to get a little old. Hmm… I know! A couple Pop-Tarts and a big bowl of Cocoa Krispies will … Continue reading →

New Year’s Day. Time to reflect back upon the previous year and make resolutions for the year to come. There are, of course, the easy ones – like, I’ll never eat the entire box of donuts by myself again, or … Continue reading →

Twas the night before Christmas… The presents are wrapped – well mostly. A few will get covered in paper and ribbons moments before rushing out the door to meet more family. Santa Claus, however, is all finished with his wrapping. … Continue reading →

Twas the night before the night before Christmas… Last minute shopping ideas (without all that messy shopping). 10 – Re-gift closet. You know what I’m talking about… 9 – Dust off your knick-knack shelves and find a box. Buy something … Continue reading →

What if… Captain Kirk had been a farmer?

Zippers are primal and modern at the very same time. On the one hand, your zipper is primitive and reptilian, on the other, mechanical and slick. A zipper is where the Industrial Revolution meets the Cobra Cult, don’t you think? … Continue reading →

Geez, the comments you get when you complain about people showing Santa’s butt-crack in one article then you kill him off with DECON laced cookies in another article. These must be the same people who tell you not to bring … Continue reading →

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my house Not a creature was stirring, except for that $%^&* mouse! I’d set all the traps on the counters with care In hopes that the critter would meet his end there! … Continue reading →

12 Days (Musings) of Christmas 12 – What the heck is the fascination with Christmas lights? My neighborhood looks like a redneck version of the Vegas strip – if that’s possible! This year, red, white, and blue Christmas lights join … Continue reading →

WANTED – Honorable employer. Oh yeah, and while I’m at it, how about a goose that lays golden eggs? Heck, I’m realistic. Just give me the bird.

The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn’t require any. – Russell Baker Of course, … Continue reading →

If you have both feet planted on level ground, then the university has failed you. – Robert F. Goheen The college industry is a tool for society to place all the square pegs in the square holes and all the … Continue reading →

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. It also doesn’t hurt to pretend that the lemon you’re squeezing the life’s juices out of is the head of your mortal enemy.

Holiday Redneck Police, or More about My Pumpkin-Keeping-Brother Me: Sir, we’ve had reports of December Halloween-Pumpkin-Keeping at this address. Brother Keith: Scott, what are you talking about? Sir? You already wrote about that stupid pumpkin yesterday. Me: Just doing my … Continue reading →

So I go over to my brother’s house. I can see his Christmas tree lights through the window as I pull up. I get out of the car and as I walk up to the porch, with the “Bring on … Continue reading →

You can’t be a Real Country unless you have a BEER and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER. – Frank … Continue reading →

While everyone else in the neighborhood is out hanging Christmas lights I’m doing yardwork. They’re all hoping for snow and I’m praying for a few more days of sunshine to dry out the lawn so I can mow one more … Continue reading →

A thousand years from now some archaeologist digging through countless layers of what today is one of our landfills is going to wonder what the heck that red, white, and blue layer was all about… purchase generic cialis cheap viagra … Continue reading →

Thanksgiving – license to eat so much food you feel miserable the rest of the day. Of course, while sitting at the table staring at the remains of three helpings of everything somebody in the background asks, “Anyone for pie?” … Continue reading →