How exactly do you accomplish this task? Read on.

My daughter and girlfriend were on one paddle boat. My girlfriend’s 12-year-old son, David, and I were on a second paddle boat. We had actually switched paddle boats in the middle of the lake because the reach to the peddles was a little long for the girls on their boat and made it hard for them to peddle. Switching boats in the middle of the lake? No problem.

So David and I ended up on the one paddle boat that also had an awning on top. Foreshadowing – awnings on top of paddle boats make them more top heavy.

Not our actual paddle boat – but close.
I did not have my phone on my at the time, thank goodness.

David and I, being stupid boys, were peddling like madmen to chase and scare geese on the lake. Task accomplished. However, during one furious peddling spurt, the chain slipped off the paddle boat cogs. Oops. Dead in the water.

I got the chain back on the front cog, but that still left the back. So, figuring that I could still fix it, I stepped out to the side of the paddle boat with the idea in mind of swinging myself around behind the seat by the chain and rear cog. As soon as I stepped to the side, though, the boat started to sink down rather quickly with my weight on just one pontoon. David, who has a football player’s build, was unable to balance the boat in the other direction and slid in the seat TOWARD me. With our combined weight quite unequally distributed, we now had the whole thing tipped at about 45 degrees. There is that moment — that one crystal clear moment — where you realize, ain’t nothing you can do. So I let go and pushed myself back toward the water in hopes that without my weight, the thing would plop back down. But, alas, no, that is not what happened.

As I sank into the water, the last thing I saw before going under was the whole darn paddle boat coming down on top of me. With no real thought to take a breath, suddenly I found myself under the darn thing and my glasses floating slash sinking in front of me. I grabbed them, slammed ‘em back onto my face, and pushed back out from under the boat and upward toward the surface. I did not immediately know where David was, but it seems he flipped off at a different angle and the upended pontoon conked him squarely on the noggin as he went into the water. It gave him a nice bump, but he ended up okay! He lost his glasses too but caught them in one hand and came up on the opposite side of the boat from where I was at. He was a bit startled; probably after being hit in the head and not having as many stupid experiences like this as I have had in my life — so I wouldn’t think of giving him any crap about it! We hung out on the underside of the paddle boat while the girls went to shore to tell the paddle boat people to come rescue us. I tried to swim the boat in, but there was enough lake current to thwart my effort and I could only go in circles with little progress toward shore.

A pontoon boat eventually came up and threw us a line. David got on the pontoon boat and I stayed with my vessel. They towed us slowly toward shore, but I warned them to stop before we got in too shallow water or we’d rip the canopy off the top of the paddle boat. Soon as my feet could touch, I let loose the rope. I got a good footing and worked my grip down the canopy support braces until I had the craft sideways in the water and was able to flip it back rightside up again. One of the paddle boat guys came out to the dock and we tied it up.

I was a bit concerned they were going to be honked off at me but they were quite congenial and even offered our rental money back. I did not take it. Chain-slip aside, I figured by this point we were even.

Please note: As I have not figured out an easy way at this time to quote a post and it’s related comments from another person’s Facebook account to share with friends on my Facebook account, I am duplicating the conversation here.

“J” posted (9/20):
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their *Creator* with certain unalienable Rights…..

“D” commented (9/20):
Mr politician here lol

“J” commented (9/21):
While quoting the Declaration of Independence, it seems that our President’s bff, (the teleprompter) conveniently forgot the “endowed by their Creator” line.

May not be important to him, but it was to the founding fathers and the American people.

I commented (9/22):
I gotta give you some on this one. Though I do not think it’s sinister or proof of negativity against God or country, I do think that he should offer an explanation to say as much. If he was ad-libbing and screwed up, then say so, at least…. With the amount of spoken words from any politician, left, middle, or right, gaffs are going to happen.

So far as arguments about “he should know the Declaration of Independence”, Newt Gingrich (picking someone politically opposite) misquoted the same passage in a written column just this last June. He did not leave out “the Creator” but come on, all he had to do was cut and paste. So, on the logic that politicians should be able to accurately quote this passage, both are fouls. I think the President’s gaffe was worse in that it touches on religious beliefs in a time where the topic is particularly sensitive.

However, I do not think that Christians should be the only ones offended – which is the feeling I get when I read about this issue. If there is a reason to be offended, then Muslims, Jews, Hindus, and any Americans with a belief in a divine creator have the same reason to be disappointed. Being an American – or being the President – is not dependent on a Christian belief system. Consider the fact that Thomas Jefferson (author of The Declaration of Independence) is considered by many to be a Deist.

As to where you say that it “May not be important to him” (which is still supposition) “but it was to the founding fathers…” I think this is incorrect. My reasoning comes from the history of our founding fathers and the two documents of the land they are so famous for producing, which are oftentimes confused with one another so I will address both of them, The Constitution, and The Declaration of Independence.

The Constitution does not mention”God” and was intentionally drafted as a secular document. The Declaration of Independence, which is what he misquoted, came prior to The Constitution and was also intended as a secular document. The Declaration of Independence is seen as that document that established the new nation of the United States. It is not the law of the land. It is a statement of sentiments directed to King George III in reaction to unfair taxation. The Constitution was ratified thirteen years after the signing of the Declaration of Independence. The Declaration of Independence refers to “the Creator”.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

The Declaration of Independence is not a legal document; it is not the U.S. Constitution. Foes of the principle of separation of church and state often refer to the word “Creator” in the Declaration of Independence as proof that the framers of the U.S. Constitution intended for the United States to be ruled by a sovereign being. However, The Constitution was written and ratified by elected officials representing a coalition of Enlightenment rationalists and evangelical Christians who were deeply concerned about entanglements between religion and government – thus the production of a secular document.

With all of this in mind, I really don’t think the founding fathers would be up at arms at the omission of “the Creator” in Obama’s speech since the gist of both documents on which they founded our country are the rights of the people from a secular standing. The sentiment and aim of Obama’s speech was the rights of the people. The complaints and outrage at the omission of “the Creator” from a religious standpoint are off-base with the essence of both The Declaration of Independence, and The Constitution. Honestly, public speakers, historians, and English teachers have much more reason to be outraged if you think about it.

I gotta sweep more.

Actual ad for Carrie Underwood concert.

1958 B-Movie “Attack of the 50 Foot Woman” Poster.

Then I imagined that they were all actually spirits trapped in candy-coated chocolatey goodness and the only way they could be set free was to be eaten.

I haven’t thanked the Starbucks Gods lately and I really don’t want any bad karma.

So, thanks Starbucks! For all the goodness you provide.

Hey, it beats sacrificing goats, doesn’t it?

Wait a minute… this feels all wrong.

Just because they’re doing it doesn’t mean I have to.

Why read a blog written with lame and boring content?

It’ll be all dry instead of fresh and juicy.

Lame and boring content…

This is ridiculous.

I deserve a hot juicy blog.

That’s right, you heard me, I deserve a hot juicy blog.

And not because I can tear a phone book with my bare hands.

No, i deserve a hot, juicy blog, because i have a brain, and it wants one.

So do you!

And so do you!

HOT JUICY BLOG!

HOT JUICY BLOG!

HOT JUICY BLOG!

HOT JUICY BLOG!

THAT’S RIGHT!

So far as other summer blockbusters, John McClain craps out movies like Pirates 3 after a late night Taco Bell run. I think the movie was supposed to open at the same time as Transformers but they pushed it up – not because they were scared of the competition, but they wanted to educate movie goers to what an action flick is all about before they drop their coinage on a bunch of CGI erector sets. For anyone who’s heart didn’t burst from the pure adrenaline rush that is Die Hard 4, why bother watching another movie this summer? John McClain f’d up the equivalent of Optimus Prime (semi) *and* Starscream (jet) all in the same movie (gotta hand it to the directors for a very subtle tip of the hat to Transformers).

I didn’t have a pic of the semi or jet being blown to smithereens, but here’s a helicopter.

Then with his other hand he finished drinking his liquid rocket fuel espresso and proceeded to kick more bad guy butt. A remarkably agile baddie had Spidey-Jackie-Chan moves in one of many fight sequences that reached out and grabbed you by the testicles – and if you don’t have testicles, it grew you some and *then* reached out and grabbed ‘em – and yanked ‘em over your head just for good measure as John McClain wasted him like Aunt May through a chipper shredder.

Speaking of Spiderman 3, we got a whiny crying Mary Jane Watson singing bad Broadway tunes and fixing omelette’s. Die Hard 4 gives us a crazy butt-kicking Asian hottie *and* John McClain’s tough as nails daughter who, if removed from this film, could have single handedly taken care of the Silver Surfer without any of you having to waste your money on the Fantastic Four Flop summer sequel.

The guy from the Mac/PC commercials did a fair job as McClane’s hacker sidekick who consistently hacked those unsecured PC’s throughout the film (once again I say to the directors, *very* subtle and funny). To be fair, however, I never saw him take out an iPhone in the film so take that Steve Jobs! Homage to 12 Monkeys with Bruce’s bald headed look and references to scenes like the elevator shaft, agent Johnson, and Yippy Kay Yay from other Die Hard films were all noted and appreciated.

I’ve read some other reviews slamming this Die Hard sequel for nonsensical plot and improbably action scenes. Umm, hello!!! It’s a Die Hard movie! This movie delivers exactly what you want from a Die Hard movie. Fans angry that the f-bomb part of the “Yippy Kay Yay” line was drowned out by a gunshot need to stop their bellyaching because this way the film is accessible to take your kids to so you don’t have to go see awful tripe like Bridge to Terabithia which only wants to turn your children into pansies that couldn’t even get a part as dead body extras in a Die Hard film.

Lastly worth noting is that Bruce Willis did a lot of his own stunts and at 50-some years old he must have a member made of dynamite that he blows up in your face and then regenerates and does it all over again because I think I pulled a muscle just watching this film. If you prefer the mosh pit over Dancing with the Stars, then get to the theater immediately, strap yourself in, and have fun watching this flick.

Reasons to watch no matter what…

John McClane…

Stunning visuals…

Oops… I meant, STUNNING VISUALS!

“I was out of bullets.” This one has to go down with “Yippy Kay Yay Mother F’er.”

*pray*

*pray*

*pray*