“Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”
- Lewis Grizzard
On the plus side you could say you’re getting a lot of tail…
Archive for July, 2003
“Statistics are just like mini-skirts, they give you good ideas but hide the most important thing.”
- Ebbe Skovdahl, Danish Football Manager
They hide a good personality and sense of humor??? 
I was driving my three year old daughter Maddie and her four year old cousin Luke to go see a movie. The first theatre was sold out and we were on our way to a less busy theatre - and we were about a half hour early for the next showing.
Luke asked, “What if the next theatre is sold out?”
I replied, “It won’t be.”
He then asked, “How do you know?”
Factoring in that he was only four, I replied, “I just know things.”
He immediately shot back to me, “Uncle Scott, you’re an adult. Adults don’t know anything!”
I think he won.
New children’s television sensation - “The Wiggles”.
Think Sesame Street crossed with The Monkees with a sprinkle of Scooby Doo.
Yes, I’ve been watching a lot of kid’s shows lately.
“Dora the Explorer” is a highly rated children’s show praised for it’s educational value. Without it, how else would parents know it’s okay to use a monkey as a babysitter and let your child roam around alone in the jungle?
I saw a commercial for boneless buffalo wings.
All I could think was, “Duh, of course they’d need wings if they didn’t have any bones.”
Why is it that we let children eat vitamins shaped like their favorite cartoon characters but we frown upon cannibalism?
A wise man judges by understanding the path. A fool judges only by the shoes.
The more men know about women, the more…
Wait-a-minute…
There is absolutely nothing I can follow that up with. Men don’t know anything about women. Well, okay, men - and I’m talking a small subset here - know a little bit, but we’re talking tip of the iceberg knowledge. Words don’t always mean what they are supposed to mean and answers to questions may or may not be exactly the opposite to what we’re supposed to do. Plus, it took us the entire history of mankind walking upright to learn it. In that same period of time we’ve harnessed fire (okay, with the assistance of women otherwise we would have only evolved into a race of males with no eyebrows) and managed to take ourselves all the way to the moon. Same amount of time - we still can’t navigate female emotions. Had we spent our time strictly concentrating on fire we’d have colonies on Mars right now (screwing up anniversaries and “Do you like this dress?” questions exactly the same way we always have).
There is only one group of men that can successfully navigate the world of women - and they are gay. It’s as if once they looked upon the true body of knowledge that makes up woman-kind, they were smote by the Goddess of Woman-Nature, given a good sense of fashion, and sent on their merry way.
So, fellow heterosexuals… just know that you aren’t going to ever get it right. At risk of being smote down, I offer the very little advice that I know.
(1) Listen - and I mean, really listen, not just point your eyes at hers and pat yourself on the back for not looking at her breasts.
(2) Don’t try and make sense of anything. There are reasons for things we will never understand. Think of it like religion, except way more complicated.
(3) Just keep trying. This may involve talking and it will involve chick-flicks. “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” really wasn’t that bad - plus on a small screen they can’t tell when you are just looking at Sandra Bullock’s breasts.
Good luck. I’m off to buy a moderately stylish shirt.
Women are right about other women 100% of the time.
Guys - Do not question it. Do not spend time thinking about it. Accept it.