Scott Cramer wrote this.

I contend that as you get older someone replaces all the mirrors in your house with carnival mirrors.

Late night MTV, a laptop, and broadband Internet access.

I’d write something creative if I had any brain synapses left.

There’s a new show on TV named “Reruns.” They rehash old television sitcom scripts word for word in a Saturday Night Live setting. It absolutely amazes me the power a laugh-track still has on the American viewer’s psyche.

You think if I re-released bell-bottomed jeans, people would buy? Oh wait! That one already worked too.

How about used lottery tickets? Only one in a millionth less chance of winning! I could advertise during “Reruns” and make a fortune.

George W. Bush and the “War on Terrorism” (insert CNN patriotic graphics and James Earl Jones sound-byte here) is out of control. I’m as patriotic as the next guy – my flag was purchased well before September 11th. I even support the movement to make Toby Keith’s “Angry American” song the national anthem. I sat for hours on end as America dealt with the 9/11 tragedy not because it was like driving by an auto accident, but because I was truly outraged. I applauded the retaliation efforts by the U.S. military. But now, months later, the politics of the war drone on like a series of bad Friday the 13th sequels. I keep waiting for Bin Laden to pop back up from the grave – because you know we never found the body. Television and presidential popularity polls seem to influence foreign policy decisions as much as diplomacy and negotiation. Once the ratings appeal of one villain slumps we just insert a new one. Aim the missiles a little to the left and roll the news cameras. I remember early on that Bush even tried to recycle the tried and true WWII Axis & Allies nicknames but couldn’t pull it off; kind of like Pauly Shore starring in a John Wayne movie in my opinion. Then as the public eye drifts to reruns of Friends and Jerry Springer, you see the government repurposing their “War on Terrorism “marketing” money. After spending a billion dollars for an “anti-drug” campaign with little return, they figured they might be able to spice up the “war” effort and appease federal accountant watchdogs by hitting multiple targets with the same budget money. The end result? A cross-over with the “War on Drugs” to the “War on Terrorism” – smoking weed blows up buildings. Whoa. I always heard it just made you hungry. At the present rate of degradation, don’t forget to rewind your video tape rentals – who knows where that type of public anarchy might lead. Homeland Security could end up knocking on your door for the extra revenue stream. Plus, it might generate some news coverage…

Top 10 Signs You Might Be A Player (male)

#10 – You use the term “bagged” outside of the grocery

#9 – “Chatting her up” is a well used social tool

#8 – Your cologne is named Machiavelli

#7 – Your passport is only stamped Amsterdam

#6 – Your guy friends call you nightly for updates

#5 – You have something to report

#4 – You know the Tao of Steve

#3 – You switch churches for a larger congregation

#2 – You believe in mojo

And the #1 Sign You Might Be A Player…

You have as many terms for relationships as Eskimos have for snow!

Will surprises never end? I watched an episode of Meet My Parents – a reality TV show where three guys stay with a girl and her parents and are systematically eliminated from the dating pool – and it solidly did not suck. It must be the stupor of summer reruns setting in – I don’t know. However, I’m putting a system in place where if the TV stays on the same station as Last Resort or Temptation Island for more than 20 seconds, the tube will explode sending shrapnel into my brain. It’ll work too because I read it on the Internet.

I made a Verne Troyer joke the other day. Verne is one of the most talented actors (he is the vertically challenged member of the Austin Powers cast) to hit the big screen since Oz. Plus, Verne has a beautiful singing voice. I wish to publicly apologize for my short-sighted, little-minded statements. I was just jealous of his open invite to the Playboy Mansion.

What happened to medium?

SMALL, LARGE, and FAMILY-SIZE
REGULAR, BIGGIE, and SUPER-SIZE
TAD-SMALLER-THAN-MEDIUM, PRETENDING-NOT-TO-BE-MEDIUM, and OH-MY-GAWD

Can we not regulate fast food restaurants? If they have three sizes, then THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE IS MEDIUM!!!