Scott Cramer wrote this.

Twas the night before Christmas…

The presents are wrapped - well mostly. A few will get covered in paper and ribbons moments before rushing out the door to meet more family. Santa Claus, however, is all finished with his wrapping. He’s tucked presents under the tree and filled the stockings. No cookies and milk this year, but the sink has an extra bowl with the last chocolate-milk remains of Cocoa Krispies visible on the spoon.

A new rocking horse with saddle and mane, and buttons on his ears that make the horse come alive with sound, waits for it’s first rider. There are other devices, buttons at the ready to play sounds and music to delight the ears of a young child. The tree will be as it has for the past several weeks but in a fresh young mind will mean something more. It will, for a day, become the centerpiece of giving and receiving, laughter and smiles. Those big red socks with the white fur trim hanging up actually have something inside of them! The now familar Christmas carols are playing on the stereo. Torn bits of wrapping paper litter the floor - just as fun in some ways as the bright new toys, to the dismay of eager parents. A shiny red bow stuck on the dog’s back provides a momentary burst of laughter at the antics as he tries to remove it.

These are the sugar-plums that dance in my head…

Merry Christmas

What if… Captain Kirk had been a farmer?

Geez, the comments you get when you complain about people showing Santa’s butt-crack in one article then you kill him off with DECON laced cookies in another article. These must be the same people who tell you not to bring snacks to church or belch in public. The nerve.

So anyway, I’m driving in bumper-to-bumper holiday traffic, 20 minutes late, marveling at the number of cars out shopping, when a thought occurs to me. I’ve always claimed 13 was my lucky number. I’m actually a pretty happy guy with decent luck and enough material goods to keep me busy. As I slam on the brakes to avoid some idiot stopping for no apparent reason, it comes to me, what if I hadn’t picked 13 as my lucky number? Between curses under my breath at the other driver and reinserting the piece of cardboard I had jammed into my radio’s on-switch to keep it depressed and working, I couldn’t imagine anything being any different because of a silly number. But still, as I forced my way into a solid line of grinch-driven traffic to narrowly make my turn for home, I wondered if I should have stuck with 42… or 7… or maybe even 1089, just to be unique. As I scuffed the tires on the curb parallel parking in front of the house, and carried my box of personal items from work inside, I came to the conclusion that my days were all pretty normal, so what could it possibly change for me? Besides, lucky numbers are just a lot of superstitious nonsense anyway, knock on wood.

12 Days (Musings) of Christmas

12 - What the heck is the fascination with Christmas lights? My neighborhood looks like a redneck version of the Vegas strip - if that’s possible! This year, red, white, and blue Christmas lights join the mix! Uncle Sam-ta Claus?

11 - I stood out in the cold and darkness for an hour and a half the day after Thanksgiving waiting for an office supply store to open so I could buy cheap electronics that I don’t even need. I still have to send in the rebates and wait until spring before getting any of the real savings sent back to me. Let’s see… 1.5 hours waiting, .5 hours grabbing stuff, 1 hour checking out, 1 hour traveling, 1 hour for rebates, multiplied by $50/hour for my time is $250 that I’d better be saving. Hmm… Not.

10 - Twenty-four hour holiday music radio stations. All the hits you NEVER want to hear. “You’ve just finished listening to Barry Manilow singing Jingle Bell Rock, and Iron Maiden’s version of Silent Night.”

9 - Special holiday episodes. Santa a serial killer - this week’s The Practice!

8 - Buy now - will ship before Christmas! From where, Alpha Centauri???

7 - Santa Claus bell-ringers. Grr… How much change do they think I carry?

6 - Why do people send Christmas cards showing Santa’s butt-crack? Come on! It’s Santa, for crying out loud. Give it a break. Oh yeah, and stop with the anatomically correct snowmen too. I hang up my Christmas cards and I’ve got Jesus on the cross right next to Viagra Snowman and Construction Worker Santa! Not pretty.

5 - People actually wait and see who sends them Christmas cards before they mail out their cards? Fa la la la la… That’s the spirit! Hope they’ve got room for a lot of coal.

4 - Pop Singers redoing Christmas stand-bys. Give me Bing… Frank… Nat… Johnny… Hell, I’ll even take Neil! It’s a little funny hearing Christmas carols by a Jewish guy, but hey… *anything* is better than “A Boy-Band Christmas!”

3 - Pine needles stuck in the carpeting… You fake-tree owners just don’t experience all the true joys of a natural Christmas. Oooo, are those band-aids in my stocking?!?!

2 - I still think the “people” from Whoville are creepy. The Grinch wasn’t exactly Mr. Personality and might have been a little scary looking but at least he had a cool song. People from Whoville, Smurfs, Munchkins, and Oompa Loompas… Very very creepy.

1 - To all the companies who only pay attention to year-end accounting and give people the boot just before Christmas… You know all that coal you’ve been getting year after year? Well, it’s to help you BURN IN HELL!

Merry Christmas!
(yeah, even you corporate bastards)

The only thing I was fit for was to be a writer, and this notion rested solely on my suspicion that I would never be fit for real work, and that writing didn’t require any.
- Russell Baker

Of course, I’m wimping out by using quotes…