Pasty white guys should not wear pasty white shorts. Pasty white guys in nothing but pasty white shorts should not stand on their porch with one leg hiked up on the railing. From a half block away at thirty miles per hour pasty white shorts guy looks a lot like pasty white naked guy. Pasty white naked guy facing the street with his leg hiked up in the air. Pasty white “oh my god, I don’t want to see this” guy rapidly looming larger in the windshield.
I don’t know what’s scarier, pasty white “thought he was naked” guy, or the fact that when I got close enough I saw he was actually pasty white guy in pasty white shorts - because I looked.
I started with English:
A pretty woman on the beach sold me a large green cucumber which I made into a lovely salad.
Went to French:
Une jolie femme sur la plage m’a vendu un grand concombre vert de que j’ai fait une belle salade.
From French to German:
Eine h�bsche Frau auf dem Strand hat mir eine gro�e gr�ne Gurke verkauft, aus der ich einen sch�nen Salat gemacht habe.
Back to English:
A pretty woman on the beach has sold a big green cucumber, for which I have made a beautiful salad, to me.
Language translators have gotten a lot better. However, I’ll be even more impressed when they start questioning why I’m buying large vegetables from seaside maidens.
Dear TiVo,
I do not want to watch old episodes of “Gomer Pyle”. I do not have any interest in “Bonanza” or “The Brady Bunch”. Yes, I like “Charmed” and I realize Shannon Doherty was also in “Little House on the Prairie” - but TiVo, she was 12 years old! It’s just not the same! I know that I asked you to tape “Dexter’s Lab”, but please, TiVo, I beg of you, no more “Sheep in the Big City”! I swear, I’ll even stop asking you to record “Weakest Link” if you can help me out on that one!
Sincerely,
Your Owner
p.s., Good call on the Science Channel’s “Physics of Baywatch”, I’ll give you that one…
Does Nike make blogging shoes?
Today is Father’s Day. I shall sit around unshaven and in my underwear until afternoon.
Just like most other days.
I was feeding my daughter at a restaurant recently and a family at another table was watching as if we were dinner theatre. My wife was eating and talking to a friend of ours. I was a part of the conversation, but was spooning in the apple/pear babyfood while deftly dodging waving baby hands. No big deal. When we are out I like to give Erin a break and let her eat in peace since she has Maddie a lot while I am working with clients during the day. However, even after the 80’s and 90’s sensitive-pony-tail-quiche-eating-yet-somehow-still-manly revolution, people are amazed at a father taking care of a baby - in public, no less! Now, if your wife is dead then it’s a different story - very much akin to how a blind person’s other senses heighten to make up for the lack of sight. A widowed father channels the ghost of a British nanny, and people don’t think twice about it. Erin, as evidenced by the hearty whacks in the arm I get for bad humor told too loudly in public, is not deceased. And yet, I’ve never accidentally fed my daughter the mexican hot salsa, or left the cudgel sized steakhouse knife within her reach at the local House of Meat. I’m actually getting worried that I’ll be turned in to some citizen’s action coalition for disrupting the American way of life. I mean, really, how’s a man supposed to swill beer and wave the flag with a half masticated soggy french fry on his shoulder?
I’m ordering at the McD’s drive-thru and I’m saying “please” and “thank-you” to the tinny voice on the speaker. You’d think being polite made me some kind of alien. I halfway think the girl taking the orders thought I was being sarcastic. I was at the grocery and struck up a congenial conversation with the checkout girl - once again, the Martians had landed! When did the general public trust move so far away from social niceties? No, it doesn’t count if people are contractually obligated by the terms of their employment to say, “Have a nice day.” I have to resist the urge to turn to the dark side and throttle these people. “No Sir, we’re very sorry we are unable to take the slightest effort and help you resolve your problem. But, please, have a nice day! B’bye!” Grrr…
I know I’m getting older. I’ve even sat on the swing on my porch - on purpose, not just because I was locked out of the house. I’m not ready to say “In my day we only… blah blah blah.” I’m not just talking about unpolite kids younger than me; I’m seeing a decline across the board. I’ve had just as many senior citizens blow me off as high schoolers. I checked my deodorant - still working. I even bought some breath mints just in case. People ignore minty-fresh politeness just as much as onion-burrito-for-lunch politeness.
It’s that darn rap music isn’t it? No wait, baby boomers did this! No, yuppies and their latch-key kids! What about sexual content on TV? Violence in the movies? Bad David Spade films?
It doesn’t matter.
Try and make a social contract. Say please. Say thank-you. Smile once in a while.
And mean it.
Damnit.
Sleep is highly overrated.
Falling asleep in front of the computer, then, is off the charts.
If you thought drool on your pillow was bad, just wait until you short out your keyboard.
O.h w.ell, w/ho n.ee.ddds key.s.
Even if there were more than 24 hours in a day, we’d still somehow find a way to have overtime.
[3:37am - I’m still up from the previous night and even with TiVo I wasn’t going to pause my movie to write a Blog (although I did in order to get a bowl of Lucky Charms half-way through - hey, priorities) so I hereby edit the date of this blog under the heading of Tuesday, June 12th. I now return you to your regularly scheduled slightly preempted Blog. It’s good to be Blog King!]
I just finished watching Captain Blood on cable’s Turner Movie Classics channel. It was Errol Flynn’s first starring role. Another actor was unable to fulfill the part and Errol got his chance. It goes to show you how one opportunity can really change your future.
Now, aren’t we all glad Ernest Hemmingway and Stephen King didn’t have Blogger.